Dear President Bush,After 8 years of service, it has come to the attention of the electorate that your service to this nation is no longer required. Though clearly the duration of your service is at its natural end, you should know that were that not the case, and were you eligible to remain in your current post, we would still seek to end your relationship with us, the American people. We have been all but unable to find anyone who still offers any support for your methods or affection for your once endearing folksiness. We hereby seek to terminate your contract with this nation for cause and with prejudice.
Furthermore, should you look to use this position as a springboard to other posts, we think it best that you not call on us for a reference or letter of recommendation. Simply put, your work has been shoddy, and it appears that you have difficulty completing any task on which you embark. It will take your successor considerable time and valuable energy and resources to tie up the loose ends you leave behind. Were there any way it could be done, it would be a fitting servitude to ask that you clean up these various messes, but there is simply no longer sufficient resources to risk having you further bungle things.
It appears that your staff has not served you well either. Your second in command appears to have ruffled the feathers of nearly every person he has influence over or contact with, and in general, the entire lot of them do not take criticism or advice particularly well. Though difficult to prove, it also appears that a number of them lied....to you, to the media, and to their employers. It is frankly difficult to find instances where they were honest for any stretch of time, or in any important context. You should be advised that, for the most part, it is our intent to dismiss them along with you.
It always seemed as if things were done “your way or the highway” and frankly, that approach has not yielded much fruit. As a word of advice...get some help, literally and figuratively. It seems that unresolved issues with your father have tripped you up on an occasion or two, and so you may want to talk to someone about that. Professionally, you seem at times over matched, and the job appears to have grown beyond your abilities. Your crisis management has been uneven at best, with occasional glimmers of success, offset by abject failures, and repercussions of these stumbles are with us to this day.
We understand that our displeasure with your performance might come as a shock. Your subordinates have, alas, shielded you from many realities. In your next endeavor, you may want to consciously involve yourself with people of divergent opinions from your own. You may wind up learning something from them, and their input may save you from duplicating the same types of missteps taken in your current position. It appears that you treat dissent and disagreement as somehow inappropriate or dangerous. You may want to brush up on the history of the nation you have been serving. Dissent has led to some positive changes. In fact, your successor’s rise to power can be traced not indirectly to people that chose to speak out against injustice some 40 years ago.
In closing, we’d like to request that you not do anything any of us will regret in the future. Leave the silver in the cabinet, keep the special pen used for pardoning safely stored and do not consider using it. Help yourself to as many paperclips as you wish to have, and the stationary with your name on it is yours to keep. Try not to start any more wars, and this includes border incursions contemplated without provocation. It has been publicized that you will seek to (further) undermine clean air and water standards as you head toward the door. Better to concentrate on putting all the picture frames into proper cardboard boxes. Suspend any further torture activities, in any of the prisons, known and unknown, that you are operating. Please be forthcoming with your successor, and pray that your misdeeds do not lead to more than a simple dismissal.
Though your rent is paid in full through January 20th of 2009, there would not be much resistance should you abdicate your position well in advance of that. Feel free to travel. There are many folks in distant lands that would love to have a word with you. You are hereby encouraged to see what all the fuss is about.
You might also want to begin work on your presidential library. Surely many institutions would be happy to house this facility. You will need to rustle up some books and papers to put in there. It is assumed that most of the documents have been shredded or placed in the secure location along with your vice-president. Someday, these will come to light, and there doubtless will be a lot of folks that want to peruse them as they describe exactly what this nation opted to do to itself over the last 8 years.
We appreciate your cooperation during this delicate time, and we look forward to seeing you at the swearing out ceremony that, in some circles, has already begun on an ad hoc basis.
Regards,
The Citizens of the United States of America
(your employers whom you sought to actively ignore, deceive, and embarrass)
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